You Don't Owe Them Thanksgiving 2.0: Permission to Disappoint People During the Holidays
Let's face it: you spent Thanksgiving performing gratitude while your nervous system screamed. You said yes to obligations you didn't want. You smiled through invasive questions. You ate food that didn't feel good because refusing would "cause a scene." And now? December is coming. Four more weeks of this. The holiday dress rehearsal is over—time to decide if you're running the same people-pleasing pattern or finally choosing your nervous system over everyone else's comfort.
You already know what happens when you keep saying yes while your body screams no. Here's the thing: other people's disappointment is not your emergency. Their expectation of you showing up is not more important than your nervous system's need to not be in survival mode for 30 straight days.
This episode exposes the people-pleasing pattern that keeps you depleted and resentful every single year—and gives you permission to disappoint people. Not because you're selfish. Because their discomfort with your boundaries is not your responsibility to manage.
You're not alone. Your people are here. This is your reckoning. Yet.
IS THIS EPISODE FOR YOU?
Listen if you're:
✓ Done performing your way through family obligations while collapsing internally
✓ Exhausted from managing everyone else's emotions and expectations during the holidays
✓ Already dreading December after barely surviving Thanksgiving
✓ Ready to stop saying yes to things that don't feel good just to avoid disappointing people
✓ Asking "why do I keep ending up depleted and resentful every year?"
✓ Ready to choose your nervous system over other people's comfort
This is for you if you're ready to stop waiting for permission to disappoint people and protect your own well-being.
WHAT GETS EXPOSED
The "other people's comfort over your nervous system" pattern that keeps you in survival mode during holidays—and why saying yes to everything is actually a nervous system issue, not a boundary issue
Why constantly managing everyone else's emotions is keeping you from the life you want—people-pleasing is a pattern you learned when your nervous system didn't feel safe saying no
The uncomfortable truth about disappointing people—the ones who get upset when you set boundaries are upset because your boundary disrupts the role you've been playing in their life
BURKE BOMBS
💣 "You're allowed to disappoint people. Their disappointment is not your emergency."
💣 "The people who get upset when you set boundaries? They're upset because your boundary is disrupting the role you've been playing in their life. That's not your responsibility to manage."
💣 "No one's going to die if you say no."
QUESTIONS ANSWERED
How do I stop people-pleasing during the holidays?
Start by recognizing that people-pleasing isn't about being nice—it's about not feeling safe saying no. Your nervous system learned somewhere along the way that other people's comfort matters more than your survival. Practice saying no to one thing. Just one. "No, that doesn't work for me." Full stop. No explanation. No performance. Feel what happens in your body when you do it. That's where the shift begins.
What if people get upset when I set boundaries?
They will. And that's information, not a problem. The people who get upset when you set boundaries are upset because your boundary disrupts the role you've been playing in their life—managing their emotions, showing up for their expectations, keeping their system comfortable. Their upset is not evidence you're doing something wrong. It's evidence you're no longer doing the thing that keeps them comfortable at your expense.
How do I protect my nervous system during the holidays?
Stop saying yes to obligations out of guilt, fear, or the belief that saying no makes you a bad person. Practice choosing rest over obligation. Leave parties early when your body says it's time to go. Skip events that stress you out. Stop answering invasive questions. Your nervous system can't regulate when you're constantly performing and managing everyone else's emotions. Protection means choosing yourself—even when it disappoints people.
WHAT YOU'LL HEAR IN THIS EPISODE
The day-after-Thanksgiving truth - Michelle asks the question nobody wants to answer: how was your Thanksgiving, really? Not the Instagram version. The actual experience of your nervous system at that table.
Michelle's Thanksgiving choice - The real story of choosing her cousins over her mom's side of the family. Not because she doesn't love her mom. Because her body would feel safer, more at peace, more at home at her cousins. Choosing nervous system safety over obligation.
The 8-year teaching story - Eight years of saying yes to every expectation, every obligation, every "team player" moment. Until it was crushing her soul. The scariest part? Not quitting. Admitting she'd spent eight years prioritizing everyone else's expectations over her own nervous system's survival.
The people-pleasing pattern exposed - You learned that other people's comfort is more important than your nervous system safety. That being "good" means being available. That being "loving" means being accommodating. That being "mature" means sucking it up. You're not selfless. You don't feel safe saying no.
The pet sitting year - over 20 sits across the country. Location independent. Living out of a suitcase. And the constant questions: "When are you settling down? Don't you want stability?" Michelle's response now: "I enjoy it. It makes me happy." Full stop. No explanation. No managing their discomfort.
The Permission Slip offer - A private podcast. Four episodes. Permission to quit the job crushing your soul. Permission to disappoint your family. Permission to choose yourself. Permission to stop performing. Permission to rest without guilt. Because we're a generation who had to ask for permission—and feared the repercussions if we didn't.
The Black Friday challenge - Make a list this weekend. What are you saying yes to in December out of guilt, fear, or the belief that saying no makes you a bad person? Pick one thing. Practice saying no. "No, that doesn't work for me." Full stop. No explanation. Feel what happens in your body.
ABOUT MICHELLE BURKE
Michelle Burke is the bestselling author of Hot Mess Magic, keynote speaker, and host of Hot Mess Magic podcast.
She doesn't do curated advice or toxic positivity. She tells the truth that gut-punches you awake.
Hot Mess Magic was born from the fire—the breakdowns, the unraveling, the full-blown identity crises. The kind that crack you open and refuse to let you go back to who you were.
This isn't self-help. It's self-trust.
Connect with Michelle:
📧 Newsletter: https://michelleaburke.substack.com/
📱 Instagram: @michelleaburke
🌐 Instagram: @hotmessmagicmedia
Work with Michelle:
🎤 Speaking (keynotes and workshops on dropping the facade and owning your mess)
KEY REALIZATIONS
On disappointing people: "You're allowed to disappoint people. Not because you're selfish. Not because you don't care. But because their disappointment isn't your emergency." - Michelle Burke
On the teaching burnout: "The scariest part wasn't quitting. It was admitting to myself that I spent eight years prioritizing everyone else's expectations over my own nervous system's survival." - Michelle Burke
On boundaries: "The people who get upset when you set boundaries? They're upset because your boundary is disrupting the role you've been playing in their life." - Michelle Burke
THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH NOBODY'S SAYING
You can't expand into a new version of yourself when you're still running the same people-pleasing pattern that got you here.
Every year you tell yourself you'll set boundaries next year. Every year you end up depleted, resentful, wondering why you keep saying yes to things that don't feel good. The pattern isn't about being nice. It's about your nervous system not feeling safe to say no.
Thanksgiving was the dress rehearsal. December is four more weeks of the same performance unless you decide right now that you're done.
You already know what you don't want to do. The gift exchange that stresses you out. The party where you'll be asked invasive questions. The family dinner where you'll perform gratitude while your system screams. You already know. The only question is: are you going to keep prioritizing other people's comfort over your own nervous system's survival?
And if you're thinking "but I can't just stop showing up"—no one's going to die if you say no.
The person you used to be was performing her way through life while her nervous system collapsed. That version of you doesn't get to run the show anymore. You're allowed to disappoint people. You're allowed to choose rest over obligation. You're allowed to protect your nervous system instead of performing for everyone else.
This is your permission slip to discover the magic in your mess.
RESOURCES MENTIONED
The Permission Slip Private Podcast - Four episodes designed to give you permission to do the thing you already know you need to do but can't quite let yourself do. Permission to quit the job crushing your soul. Permission to disappoint your family. Permission to choose yourself. $17.
Black Friday Bonus: Purchase The Permission Slip between Black Friday and December 5th, DM Michelle "PERMISSION SLIP" and receive her book Hot Mess Magic for free.
Give yourself permission here.
LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE
If this episode cracked something open—if you're exhausted from performing your way through obligations while your nervous system collapses—subscribe so you never miss an episode.
And if you're ready to stop people-pleasing and start protecting your nervous system? Leave a review. Tell us what this conversation exposed for you.
Your mess is your medicine. Your breakdown is your breakthrough.
Welcome to Hot Mess Magic.
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