"Why Am I Still Here?" — Surviving the Thing You Weren't Supposed To
Surviving the thing isn't the end of the story. It's the start of a stranger one.
Soodabeh Mokry lived through what most people don't: a brutal attack at a student protest in Iran at nineteen, a coma, war, the loss of her brother, immigration, the discovery that her marriage was over the moment she landed in a new country, and a stretch dark enough that she questioned whether she wanted to keep going at all. Two kids. No map. No language for any of it.
But this conversation isn't really about the things she survived. It's about the question that showed up once she had — the one survivors aren't supposed to say out loud: why am I still here.
Because here's the part nobody warns you about. You make it through. You're supposed to feel saved. Instead you feel confused, flat, alone in a way that doesn't match how dramatic the story sounds when other people tell it back to you. Everyone wants the inspiring version. You're stuck with the actual one — the disorientation of being alive on the other side of something that should have ended you, and having no idea who you're supposed to be now.
You don't need a war to recognize this. Anyone who's come out the far side of a divorce, a loss, a year that took everything, knows the specific loneliness of carrying a story too big for the people around you to hold. Knows what it's like to be called strong when you feel like a stranger to yourself.
Soodabeh and Michelle get into the part the highlight reel skips. The numbness. The guilt of surviving when you're not even sure you wanted to. The exhausting pressure to perform gratitude. And the slow, unglamorous business of being a person again when the person you were is gone.
If you've felt broken, lost, abandoned, or stuck somewhere you can't see your way out of — or if you made it through the worst of it and quietly wondered why you don't feel rescued — this one will sit close.
No advice. No silver lining on a schedule. Just two people naming what's actually there.
Connect
Michelle: @michelleaburke
Show: @hotmessmagic
Soodabeh: @soodabehmokry
Join the Hot Mess Magic community: https://michelle-a-burke.kit.com/hotmessmagic
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This episode includes discussion of suicidal despair and trauma. It's based on personal experience and conversation and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or professional care. If you're struggling with your mental health or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a licensed professional or your local crisis line.
