Starting Over After Divorce: When Everything Gets Taken and You Have to Rebuild from Nothing - Courtni Clay on Rock Bottom in a Total Wine Parking Lot & Why Your Breakdown Becomes Your Breakthrough

Shell Burke (: 00:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of Hot Mess Magic. Imagine sitting in a total wine parking lot with your kids in the backseat while your divorce lawyer tells you exactly how much it's going to cost you to lose everything you've worked for. The next thing you remember is waking up with bottles on your nightstand eyes so swollen you could barely see that.

was Courtni Clay's rock bottom. And instead of hiding it, she's exposing it here. How she went from screaming in her car to rebuilding her entire life from the inside out. Courtni, welcome.

Courtni Clay (: 00:36

Thank you so much, so happy to be here.

Shell Burke (: 00:38

You're welcome. So let's go back to that morning where you woke up with bottles on your nightstand, your eyes so swollen shut. What was really happening in your life at that moment? Or let me rephrase that. What was really happening in your life leading up to that moment?

Courtni Clay (: 01:00

It was literally going through, we were just going through the divorce phase. For those who haven't gone through it, you you file for divorce and then you're in this whirlwind of going through the process. And for some it's quick, for some it takes a long time. I think we were a couple of months in, cause by that time, I believe, yeah, I already moved out. So we were already in separate places. We had sold our house. So.

we were just going through just fleshing out, you know, who gets what, the custody stuff, all those things. And so that day was like, kind of like the final, the final, the finalization of everything. And that's when it's like, all right, it's settled. Here's what you're going to have to do. And I'm just like, are you kidding me? And I just like blanked out.

Shell Burke (: 01:48

And would you remember those exact words that caused you to...

Courtni Clay (: 01:53

that I said,

I mean, I was thinking I've never had anyone take anything from me. I think the hardest part was, think, so I grew up where normally it was.

the women who were struggling and they needed assistance and child support and all these things. so for me growing up, I was like, okay, you know, I want to make sure that I never, number one, do that to anyone. Cause I just, me personally, I just don't believe anyone should have to take anything from anyone. Now there are different circumstances, but for me in particular, even during my first divorce, I didn't want anything. I'm like, just help me pay for childcare. Like just, just help me pay for things for him. I don't need you paying my rent. I don't need this. I just need help.

Shell Burke (: 02:19

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Courtni Clay (: 02:37

with him with things that he actually needs. So if that's childcare, can you pay half? You know, things like that. But with this, was like, no, I'm getting everything I can according to the state of Arizona. And I'm just not used to that. I was bored and I didn't grow up.

where there was such a lack of money in my arena. I worked so hard to get certain things and now it's like everything's up for grab and I followed because of an issue. It wasn't like I'm, know, it wasn't, it was my fault. So it was hard to accept.

Shell Burke (: 03:10

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, and you then begin living your life on autopilot, pretending that everything is fine.

Courtni Clay (: 03:24

Well, yeah, and I've been, so that's the thing is like, I'm continuously living. I lived in it during the marriage, right? And then it's like to come out of it. Now I'm starting to, I'm starting to speak my truth, you know, a little bit more because now I'm out of that situation, but now I'm in, but now I'm coming to, okay, I got this roadblock now because now I have to come to terms with, I'm going to have to pay this. I'm going to, I'm going to mentally, it wasn't, it wasn't registering. Like I had,

to give you this. Like, I'm losing everything because of stuff that you did in our marriage and I'm filing divorce because I don't want my children just to have to go through these things and this is what I get afterwards. So yeah, it was just numbness, numbness, anger and bitterness.

Shell Burke (: 04:08

It seems as if you almost felt as if you were being punished.

Courtni Clay (: 04:11

That's it, you know, I never, yeah, yeah. Punished. Yeah, that's probably a good word to use, punished.

Shell Burke (: 04:18

It's like,

you're not the one who did anything wrong. You're the one who was doing what was right in your best interest and the best interest of your children. Yet you're the one who quote unquote, seems like felt like you were getting punished.

Courtni Clay (: 04:23

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, because I walked away with nothing, but yet I feel like I'm having to give everything and fight for like every, I'm fighting for every dime. Like, can he really do this? And I'm like, well, in Arizona. And I'm just like, why am I here? Why am I in the state of Arizona?

Shell Burke (: 04:48

Yeah.

Well, because every single state, it's funny because every single state has different divorce laws.

Courtni Clay (: 04:53

Yes.

Yes. So my first divorce, was in Virginia. So it's crazy because like, so these two marriages were both horrible in their own way, on in two different arenas. So for one, I didn't get anything. I got no support. got, I got nothing. And then this next one, like everything's being taken. So it's like, I'm sitting here dealing with that too, because I'm like, what's wrong with me? How did I get two horrible situations?

on completely different sides of the house. know, like how does that happen?

Shell Burke (: 05:29

Mm hmm.

Oh, yeah, because it does. It then starts playing with your mind and realizing like, okay, do I keep going down this path? What do I what do I have to do?

Courtni Clay (: 05:42

Yeah. And the things I thought that I, I was like, okay, I thought this second time around, like, all right, I chose different. Yeah. Well, I got different too in another bad way. So I'm just like, so at that point it's like, damn, what's wrong with me? Like, what is wrong with me? How do I get both bad situations in completely different aspects? If that makes sense.

Shell Burke (: 06:06

Yeah,

that does make sense, but we also have to remember that there's nothing wrong with you.

Courtni Clay (: 06:11

Yeah, and it took a long time for me

to get to that point, but in that moment, it was, what is wrong with you? How could you let this happen a second time? How are you going through this again? And then again, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

Shell Burke (: 06:25

So what

were the steps that you took not only physically but mentally and emotional that actually helped you to rebuild especially in those early days where you're still questioning everything.

Courtni Clay (: 06:41

And it's a good question.

No, that's a great question. So I think, and it's kind of part of my backstory, right? Like I feel like I was always the comeback queen. I was able to always come back. I was able to pivot, make a way out of no way, things like that. But this second divorce in particular, I mean, I look back on it now and I was miserable, but I'm so thankful for it because...

Shell Burke (: 07:04

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 07:06

It made me realize that resilience has nothing to do with bouncing back to who, to who you are. You know what I mean? And so that was the thing. I was always able to bounce back, but nothing was changing up here. I just saw a problem and I pivot and turn, but this divorce forced me to sit in my shit.

Shell Burke (: 07:23

Mm-hmm. Yeah. ⁓

Courtni Clay (: 07:27

a divorce and so it made me realize like I have to learn how to change my mindset because things are always going to happen but how I look at them that is that is the game changer and so I would say one of the

Probably biggest things were the mindset shifts and building my resent. But I always thought resents were just bouncing back and pushing through and just smiling and saying, you know, it's okay, everything's fine. No, that's not, that's not the case. I got to look at the situation, see it for what it is and move forward. Adapt to the stressor.

Shell Burke (: 07:53

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 08:03

you know, get over it quickly and efficiently, but move forward in a way that's positive and purposeful. So that for me, was the mindset shifts. was so I had this great friend and she called me one and she was like Courtni, you need to like look up manifestations and affirmations. Check out Abraham, Hicks, like was all these different things. I was just so down. I was so down in my mind. I just didn't know what to do. She was like, just check these things out. And so I started to look into that. I also,

Shell Burke (: 08:23

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 08:32

So in the army, they needed a master resilience trainer, which basically is where I teach, where you would go to school to learn how to be more resilient and learn the skills, but then learn how to teach folks as well. So I volunteered for that because I was always interested in it. Every time I would see a person teach the course, I'm like, man, like one day, one day I want to teach that. And this came literally at the perfect time.

So mindset shifts, resiliency skills, that's really what helped me change everything and kind of made me who I am right now.

Shell Burke (: 09:09

as you're giving the definition of resilience like that's what most of us think of resiliency as is that being able to pivot being able to bounce back to handle anything that's thrown at you yet We also have to look at the role that we're playing in these events

Courtni Clay (: 09:28

It's so, yeah, it's so much bigger than just bouncing. Plus I also hate the term bouncing back because I'm like, do you really want to bounce back to who you were? Like, do you really? Like, exactly. So I never use that term, like bounce back. I'm not going back. There is no going back. Cause how are we moving forward? How are we rising into someone stronger, wiser, more purposeful, you know?

Shell Burke (: 09:36

No, not at all!

Yeah, I like that because we don't want to go backwards.

Courtni Clay (: 09:56

Exactly.

Shell Burke (: 09:57

So how did that personal rock bottom, become the founding, we've kind of touched on this, become the foundation for the professional work that you do today. And what's the direct line between your collapse and your calling?

Courtni Clay (: 10:12

Since a kid I've always wanted to help in a way. Like I started with that I wanna be a pediatrician. You know, I was like, not going to school for that long, that's crazy. But then that turned into, I remember choosing like in college, think about like what I wanna do. I'm like, all right, you know what? I wanna get into social work. And my dream was like to work for the city and social.

Shell Burke (: 10:16

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 10:35

services and so glad that did not work out no offense to anyone that does it but I'm looking back and I'm just like okay but I always wanted to help someone which is how I got into the HR arena but ⁓ I think so after

Shell Burke (: 10:38

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 10:50

Probably after going to school and becoming the master resilience trainer, I was like, just in a spot where I'm like, I'm doing well in my career on the HR side, on the army side, you know, I'm an officer, I'm doing training, this is great. I said, but I'm not feeling.

Shell Burke (: 11:04

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 11:06

there's something missing that I want to help and I want people to do better. And so I also love the gym. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to be a fitness trainer. Like I'm going to go and get my whatever's called training thing. And it was literally one night at 11 o'clock and I was like,

people don't stick to it. I was like a lot of people and I've even helped people like work out. I'm like, know like no one sticks to them. I'm like, you know what? I got to attack the fucking mind. I got it. I got to get, I got to get to the mind. Everything is what, so that sent me on my journey of, right, I want to become a certified life and health coach. And that kind of sparked this whole journey down this path.

Shell Burke (: 11:35

Mm-hmm.

That's awesome. Because yes, as kids, so many of us, yeah, we want to help. We want to make that difference. We, you know, and the fact that you've fulfilled that now and you are making that difference is amazing. And you, you call yourself, you know, this master resilience coach.

Courtni Clay (: 11:56

Yeah.

Shell Burke (: 12:07

But what does resilience actually look like in the practice for the women you work with? And what's one tool or truth you give them that came directly from your own survival?

Courtni Clay (: 12:07

Yeah.

It's a lot. in my program, we actually have topics every week that go back to building your resiliency skills, but also navigating what you want to create in your world and what are your goals as well. for us, so for example, one topic for the week may go, we talk about the negative bias. Another week may be about limiting beliefs. Another week may be about,

Confidence so each week is a different skill that I'm pouring into them and then I'm and then I'm seeing how that Affects their life if they use it now if they don't use it now and then we give Exercises as well. So it all it it really all goes back to and also putting things in

in perspective. ⁓ like a lot of it, think one of the biggest things was reframing our thoughts, putting things in perspective, hunting the good stuff, things like that.

Shell Burke (: 13:06

Hmm.

Okay, and what would you say would be the biggest limiting beliefs that you have seen as a trend within women?

Courtni Clay (: 13:25

People really don't think they're good and they're scared. And one of the other biggest things that I've come across which I was like, you know what, I think this too. it's not that they're scared of being successful, they're more so scared of having to show up.

Like once they get this thing that they want so bad, it's like, wait a minute, when I get this, like, how do I have to show up? And then can I be that person? Can I be this consistent person to maintain this success? Like that's probably one of the biggest things I've seen in that I realized like, you know what? This is one of my things too. Like everything I do, I'm like, I got to give more, you know? And some people are scared of that. It's scary.

Shell Burke (: 13:44

Yeah.

Well, absolutely it's scary because your nervous system also can only hold so much so it's like that fear comes in when you've reached your plateau level of your nervous system and it's just taking that moment taking that breath and going and I go like letting go of the parts of you that no longer Serve you because that's one of the things that we do we cling and we cling on to them So I also kind of look at your

Courtni Clay (: 14:17

Yeah.

Yeah.

Shell Burke (: 14:40

divorce in having to like get let go of ⁓ everything as like it freed you to be able to step into this next version of self.

Courtni Clay (: 14:53

Yeah, yeah, and I definitely, had to, I had to go from looking at it as why is this happening to me? Because that was kind of my thought, like this is all happening to me. I'm a failure at marriage, I can't keep a man, I'm gonna be broke, you all these things.

Shell Burke (: 15:01

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all

the things.

Courtni Clay (: 15:11

all the things and I had to intentionally because it's not easy but I had to intentionally almost mindfuck myself like that's what I would call it like I really going through these thoughts I had to

be as audacious as my mind was to me. Like I had to pull out shit like you're never going to get married again. Yes, yes I will. Things are always working out for me. I'm becoming a bigger and stronger person. I'm learning from my setbacks. I have to like come up with these crazy mantras that combat that one statement, you know? But it has to be intentional. And that's, I was very intentional about reframing every thought that came in my head.

Shell Burke (: 15:41

Yeah.

Well, it's being your own cheerleader.

Courtni Clay (: 15:56

my own cheerleader, my own therapist, my own coach. like all those nights when I had no one there to pour into me, I had to pour into myself. That as that was a lot of journaling as well. I didn't journal before. I didn't meditate before. So all of these things to really learn how to talk to myself.

Shell Burke (: 15:58

Yeah.

Because it's the self talk when we're in these low moments in life that is so vital because we have that tendency to sit there and say like I'm not worthy. I'm not deserving. You know, of course this is gonna keep happening to me.

Courtni Clay (: 16:32

Yeah, yeah. And I think too, I also had to look at even like as I kind of started on my journey of doing like the coaching and the speaking, all these things, I had to learn how to break stuff down. Like you have this big goal and this big picture. And this is what a lot of my clients go through as well. They want to do all these huge things and now they're overwhelmed and they're burnt out. And it's like, okay. And I'm like,

Shell Burke (: 16:54

Guilty. Guilty.

Courtni Clay (: 16:56

Right? No, it's even with me too. And it's like, I had to like take a step back and say, all right, what would, what, what, what would coach say to court right now? Like it's like, break it down, write out the steps, put it on your calendar, write it down in your journal. whatever for me, writing it down. if I, if I, if I take the time to write down what I need to do the next day and have like a checklist that

Shell Burke (: 17:03

Yeah

Courtni Clay (: 17:25

take so much stress, pressure and anxiety off of me. And I was like, why didn't I realize this a long time ago? And when I give this task to my clients, it's like, okay, this may not be for you, but what would work for you? What's going to keep, is it going to be an alarm in your phone? Is it going to be writing it down? Is it going to be putting it on a whiteboard in your room? Like what is it for you? Cause this isn't a one size fits all. All we can do is see kind of what works best.

But once you know what it is, then you got to do it. But then you got to break everything down, write it down. And then it's like, it it helps you get it done. And those small steps, as I like to say, those small hinges, they swing big doors.

Shell Burke (: 18:07

absolutely

and it's also the fact of taking it from your mind to paper like the physical act of writing it and I've even said to people speak it as well and when it comes to that to-do list one of the other things that I like to do is you know only have like

Courtni Clay (: 18:12

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Shell Burke (: 18:30

four, five things on that to-do list. So like I will take a to-do list, because I'm like yourself, I need that list. But I will take that to-do list and I will write out that long, 30-some-odd item, you know, plus list, like we all do. But when we look at that list, it overwhelms the fuck out of us.

Courtni Clay (: 18:33

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely. And so what I tell people when their mind is racing with a lot of things, I say, I also say, write them down. Now I want you to either have two that I kind of play around with. It's either circle the ones that need to get done within 24 hours. Right. And then kind of based off that, or I do like a number them from one to 10, what is more important and those top three, those are what you kind of.

Shell Burke (: 19:09

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 19:18

focus on but it's getting really clear on what needs to be done and prioritizing the things that have to be done right now or within 24 hours. People have all these things that's like

does it need to be done today? And they're like, well, let's do, okay, well, let's put that aside. What needs to be done today? Like what is the focus? Let's do one day at a time and let's accomplish it. Let's check it off, cross it off our list, take that breather, feel good about it, and then go through and worry about everything else the next day.

Shell Burke (: 19:37

Exactly.

Yeah, because tomorrow's gonna come. I don't like... Yeah.

Courtni Clay (: 19:57

Like, you don't have to do everything today. Like, you can breathe.

I always say like, so at my job, one of my things is like, is anyone gonna die? No. So why are you making this big thing so big? It's almost gonna die.

Shell Burke (: 20:14

Exactly. That email that you received at 6 o'clock at night can wait until tomorrow morning.

Courtni Clay (: 20:20

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of that, I'm not even checking my emails. When I close my laptop, I'm done. I think a lot of people have issues with that too, is they have to stay on. It's like, why? Why do you feel like, why? And it's like, what is this doing for you? And it's like, you break it down. It's like...

Shell Burke (: 20:32

Exactly.

Courtni Clay (: 20:41

It's not really accomplishing anything. isn't there something else more purposeful that you could be doing that you wanna do that would make you happy? What makes you happy at the end of a day? Like, let's go do that, you know? So just finding the things that bring you that joy and that purpose for a lot of people is their job. Like, their job brings them that, but it's like what else is out there?

Shell Burke (: 20:50

Mm-hmm.

Yes, what else is out there? And that's an activity that I do with people where I have them write out a list of everything that brings them joy except family, friends, pets, and work.

Courtni Clay (: 21:22

I like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Shell Burke (: 21:24

write it up, write it all out, then go

back through that list and number it from one to 10. One being this brings me joy of it if I had it every single day, it would kill the joy to 10 being I need this daily. Go through and then your eights and higher, make sure those happen within your week.

Courtni Clay (: 21:48

I love that. I love that.

Shell Burke (: 21:49

You're, you

and if you're struggling, like not knowing where to go even job wise, career wise, like you're wanting to make that pivot, your eights and aboves, look at those. Your eights and, your eight to five, like at some point within the month. You know, anything below a five, like at some point within the year, like.

Courtni Clay (: 21:58

Yeah.

Shell Burke (: 22:12

This way you're doing the things that bring you joy throughout your day, your week, your month, your year.

Courtni Clay (: 22:20

Yeah, and insert, insert it, insert it.

Shell Burke (: 22:23

insert because it's the

it's also that joy like when you were talking about resilience here as well and it's like when we're in that state of joy we're in that higher vibrational state we're not going to have to be as resilient because we're just going to flow we're just in a different energy state we're in a higher vibration and things are just going to flow easier

Courtni Clay (: 22:27

Yeah.

But the thing is, resilient isn't just for the bad. It is a way of life. Because even with hunting the good stuff, purposely, that is a skill. Hunting the good stuff is when you are intentionally seeking the good or you are resonating on the good things that happened. Because when you do things like that, that...

Shell Burke (: 22:53

Yo, yeah

Mm-hmm.

Courtni Clay (: 23:11

that increases your optimism. It helps you to show gratitude more often and it counteracts the negative bias. want, so resilience is an ongoing thing. It's not only when things are bad. It's the skills you practice every day just to really maintain the psychological well-being overall.

Shell Burke (: 23:37

Okay, that makes sense and that leads me right into the next question as to what's the hardest truth about resilience that nobody wants to hear but everybody needs to do

Courtni Clay (: 23:49

hardest truth about resilience that everyone, ⁓ you need to be intentional. It's not, it's, it's not a magic pill, you know, it's not just, okay, I'm going to hunt the good stuff and be fine. Like you really have to be intentional. You have to be self aware. You have to self regulate. It's so many things that you have to do internally to be consistent. If that makes sense.

Shell Burke (: 24:16

It does make sense and you bring up a keyword of consistent. Like we as a society struggle sometimes with being consistent with things and committing to things. Especially when we know that they're gonna help us.

Courtni Clay (: 24:32

Yeah.

That's very true. I'm like, you're right. nothing now. like, that's, that's, it's hard. It is. It is.

Shell Burke (: 24:34

I can't.

Yeah, because like we know

a workout is going to help us but how many people stay past January 1st consistent with their, workout we know that eating healthy is, going to keep us healthy but how many people stay consistent with you know, having less sugar or less caffeine. ⁓

Courtni Clay (: 24:55

Yeah. And I think

what helps a lot of those things and what I kind of start my clients off with is we build anchors. So we not only get to understanding the why behind the why, because that's very important, like really understanding why you're doing

you're doing. Why you want to do this, who is going to affect, what is so important about that, why, how is it affecting other folks around you. But then on top of that, we understand that, we build anchors that remind us of why we're doing what we are doing as well. So that when you're not maybe talking to me or having that friend, can look at this thing. For some people, it's a picture. For some people, it's a

For some people it's a dress in their closet that they want to wear again. It's certain things, you know what mean? That they look under like, this is why. I had a client, her anchor was her face on Janet Jackson's body and it was her screensaver. But it...

Shell Burke (: 25:43

But yeah.

Interesting.

Courtni Clay (: 25:59

But it

reminded her of why, of what she wanted and why. I mean, and that could be anything that you want. You never know what's gonna spark that thing in the client, but you have to build those things around you. You have to build your own.

Shell Burke (: 26:05

Mm-hmm.

thing.

Courtni Clay (: 26:18

support system around you. So that's, it could be podcasts, it could be people, it could be the artifacts, the anchors that you use, but you have to build that up as well.

Shell Burke (: 26:28

Absolutely. And, for that listener who's not at that point yet, where they're right now in their own version of the bottle on the nightstand. What's the one thing you want them to walk away from with this conversation?

Courtni Clay (: 26:47

You will survive what you thought would destroy you. Everyone thinks I'm never going to get through this. And here's the most beautiful thing about that. When you get through it, everything that you are going through, you'll be able to help someone else do it as well. It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you will come out stronger, wiser, and more powerful.

Shell Burke (: 27:12

Absolutely. So Courtni, where can people find you?

Courtni Clay (: 27:16

You can find me. I'm on Instagram at coachcourt83 or TikTok coachcourtney83 maybe. Yeah. I say either way, if you pull up coachcourt, you're going to find me or coachcourtni with an I also my website, www.iamcoachcourt.com.

Shell Burke (: 27:25

We'll double check.

Awesome, and we will put all that in the show notes Courtni is there anything else any last takeaways that you want to leave with the audience?

Courtni Clay (: 27:45

Let your breakdown be your breakthrough. I feel like anytime something is happening to you, it's not happening to you, it's happening for you. And so what I challenge you to do is look at the situation in a way of what am I supposed to learn in this moment?

Shell Burke (: 28:01

So powerful because every single thing that happens to us has a lesson a teachable moment within it if we just stop for a second Breathe and really look at what is happening around us instead of being in that tizzy

Courtni Clay (: 28:10

It does. It does.

Yeah, the tizzy, I like that. The tizzy. I see no, but I know when I think of tizzy, I see it going like this.

Shell Burke (: 28:26

Yeah, like I couldn't think of the right word. know, tizzy. It's exactly,

because I didn't want to say hurricane. It was like, you know, that world wind. It's like, stop, breathe for a second.

Courtni Clay (: 28:41

Yeah, absolutely.

Shell Burke (: 28:43

Courtni, it has been a pleasure having you on today.

Courtni Clay (: 28:47

Thank you so much. Have a good one.